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Evil Jim

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10:30 am: Evil takes a holiday
I'm tired. Not so much physically tired as emotionally worn out. I spent the entire day yesterday thinking things I wish I could have avoided but it was no use. When something bad happens my hindsight kicks in at 110% and has to figure out every which way I could have prevented or resolved the situation before it had a chance to get this far. Sometimes it becomes so oppressive I can't stand it. This is why I need distraction. Not simple distractions like toys and games but actual company. When I'm around friends I can talk and interact and feel more or less myself again. It keeps my mind away from the loss because for the time being I'm rooted in the here and now. It's harder to lament the past or dread a bleak and lonely future when I'm with people who care about me and want me to have a good time.

I'm not entirely hopeless, though. I know this period won't last forever and will just take time to fade away. But, like last time, I will always know where I erred and know what I could have had. Distance helped and will help again. Meeting some new friends did too.

I can't help feeling rushed and that I'm running out of time. I think I know why, and every minute that passes is another minute spent having not met my ultimate goal. This is where distractions come in, and the only ones that work these days will (ideally) eventually help me reach that goal.

- J I M O U T -

Current Mood: blankblank
10 bricks in the wall | Have a Cigar

Comments

From:renny1780
Date:April 12th, 2005 08:49 am (UTC)
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If I had one of those air-filled rubber bats, I'd be sure to hit you over the head with it...then loan the bat to someone else so that they may do the same to me. Random thoughts...
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From:evil_jim
Date:April 12th, 2005 08:55 am (UTC)
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I'm not sure why but, um... ok.
From:renny1780
Date:April 12th, 2005 09:05 am (UTC)
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Because you're sounding like how I used to sound...and sometimes still do...
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From:evil_jim
Date:April 12th, 2005 11:08 am (UTC)
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I suppose most people sound like this for a while after a broken heart. Feel free to skip my whining. I'll understand.
From:renny1780
Date:April 12th, 2005 12:28 pm (UTC)
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Very true. And sometimes, wallowing in one's own misery can be helpful. Of course, you can view it this way: you can now be free to do basically whatever you want to without anyone nagging you about what you're doing (or nagging anyone else about what they're doing)...okay, I'll shut up now.
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From:evil_jim
Date:April 12th, 2005 09:01 pm (UTC)
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...okay, I'll shut up now.

It's ok, you don't have to censor yourself.

The truth of the matter is: I've been alone in my life enough to know that I would rather spend the rest of it in devotion to someone, rather than have the freedom of complete independence. I understand what you mean, tho', and thank you.
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From:matt_william
Date:April 12th, 2005 02:04 pm (UTC)
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I can't blame ya for feeling like ya do. Those things can be hard to let go...but just think of everything that's coming up in the next month or two. Acen, Star Wars, Japan, and God knows what else. There's ALOT to look forward to.

Speaking of Japan...we need to decide when to send in our reservations. I'd say the sooner the better (this week if possible).

Take care man...

Matthew
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From:evil_jim
Date:April 12th, 2005 09:30 pm (UTC)
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You're right, and I am looking forward to those things.

Would you mind taking charge of our reservations since you've already partially gone through the process? Also, I'd be much more comfortable if you did since I haven't been able to think clearly as of late.
From:(Anonymous)
Date:April 13th, 2005 07:47 am (UTC)

you know

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we never talk anymore, not about personal stuff, the only reason i know what or more importantly who you're talking about is because somebody blabbed. We can you know, you can talk to me if you want to, but i feel like whenever we hang out we dance around anything personal so no one's toes are stepped on. ~Lindsay
From:(Anonymous)
Date:April 15th, 2005 06:34 pm (UTC)

Just my 3 cents

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I know we don't know each other well, but I hope things get better for you. I have been where you are now, and I think I got through it pretty well. I'm not good at advice so I'm not going to give you any. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to get in touch with me. lmo22980@yahoo.com
~Nettie~
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