Evil Jim (evil_jim) wrote,
Evil Jim

Evil intercepts more letters to Santa

Evil Jim answers more letters from children intended for Santa.

”How have you been doing in your workshop? What is your favorite reindeer's name? Mine's Rudolph. I like Dancer, but Rudolph is my favorite. Where did you get the name Dance.”

The workshop has been busy as ever forging low-quality brand-name products for you and yours. My favorite reindeer's name is Lumpy but he is not in my employ. The name “DanceR” came from a long ago discussion I had with Michael Flatley. Before his career took off he considered being “Lord of the Reindeer.”
”How are you and Mrs. Claus and all of the reindeer doing? You are probably getting a little tired after working so hard for the big night. I hope that you have a safe flight. If it is okay with you, Santa and with your elfs and Mrs. Claus, can I have three things: 1.hit clips N`sync, "Who let the dogs out", Brittney Spears, "I`m not too young and I`m not too old" . 2. Mary - Kate and Ashley "travel in style" action figures. 3. My size princess in the nutcracker barbie and the same dress that she wears,but an extra one for me.”

First off, that's four items (possibly five) you have there, not three. Second, your selfish little list is so absolutely horrendous that you have forced me to notify Correctional Reassignment Activities Personnel to give you some more wholesome interests like evisceration and racism.
”I am writing to tell you that me and my sister will be spending Christmas at my Granny and Papa's house.So don't forget to leave our presents there ok. [blocked] and I have been really good and I am doing alot better with my Math homework.”

Leave presents at my grandparents, got it. Anyway, since you're doing better in math would you help that last little girl figure out how much horrible crap she actually wants?
”I hope you are having a fabulous time. I am! I would love a Nintendogame cube. I would also like a Playstation 2. Is Ruldolph and the other reindeers ready for Christmas night? We have our Christmas tree up and ready for presents. I am excited about Christmas!!! My whole family is excited about it too. I am having a lot of fun. I hope you are too. I have 100 cousins. How many cousins do you have?”

A hundred cousins? Really? I think you probably mean “100 cups of coffee.” Instead of video games you're getting a large hamster wheel so you have something to do with all that extra “excitement” you have there.
”Hi Santa! How are you and your reindeer? I hope you are doing a good job receiving gifts. Can I please have an X -Box for Christmas this year? I think that I"ve been good all year round. I been good because I haven't been doing any bad things. I am emailing this joke for you. What is the bean that can walk and talk? A human being!”

Reindeer are getting nervous. They think you kids are stalking them. Lumpy in particular has developed a rather disturbing tic. Oh, and a human being isn't actually a bean, it is a legume. And just for that, you're getting a case of New Coke. Enjoy.
”Hi Santa, how are you doing in the North Pole office? I would like a hamster, Playstation, and any kind of books. The books have to be girl kind of books because I am a girl. Can I also please have a scooter so I could not be so bored at my grandma's house? I think I deserve that because I will behave by helping other people. I hope that you will bring me my gifts.“

Girl kind of books like Playgirl? I thought you said “any kind of books.” Make up your mind. You're bored at your Grandmother's house? Have you ever tried talking to her? She lived through both the Great Depression and Prohibition. Try asking what she used to do for the money to buy a scooter when she was your age. That should keep you plenty entertained.
”I am getting excited for Christmas. The number one thing I want is X-box and Dead or Alive 3. Could you put elves' hats on the tree so my brother and I can wear them (because we're elves and we give out the presents.) My brother will like anything like pigs, dragons, and knives. What's your favorite kind of cookies? I like butterflies, dragonflies, snakes, and anything Egyptian. I'll save 9 extra cookies for your reindeer, expecially Rudolph. I'll creep out of my bed so I can see you kissing my mom under the mistletoe. (He, he.)“

Elf hats on the tree, pig-dragon knife tattoos, Egyptian cookies and some bugs. I think you'd be better off with some therapy. And listen, that thing with your mom was years ago and we haven't spoken since the blood test turned out negative for me being your father. I'd rather just forget the entire ordeal.
”My mom said I could e'mail you this year, this is our first
year with our computer. My name is [blocked] my nickname is suckyface that's
where I get my e'mail address from, I am 7 years old. I have been a really
good boy this year at home and a school.
I am asking you for a GT racer so a can go fast down the hills like my friends. My brother is [blocked] he is asking for a TV he also has been really good at home and at school. It's snowing and cold outside right now, what is it like at the North Pole?
Mom say's I have said enough now, your cookies and milk will be waiting for you when you get to my house, I also promise I will be in bed early Christmas
Eve, fly safely, have a great trip.“

Hello Suckyface. You're going to get a lot of attention with that name come middle school. You're probably not going to like it either. Anyway, if you haven't guessed it's cold and snowy at the North Pole right now then you should probably watch more National Geographic. Your mom sounds the type to read your email over your shoulder so I probably shouldn't mention what she and her sister used to do with cheese when she was your age. Feel free to ask, tho'. Have fun in your room because you'll be spending a lot of time there.

- E V I L O U T -

Current Mood: sassy

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