Evil Jim (evil_jim) wrote,
Evil Jim
evil_jim

Evil answers for Santa

There's a lot that's been going on lately and it may take me a while to sort through but I'm not going to get into that here. Instead, I give you a special presentation:

Evil Jim answers children's letters intended for Santa.

”How come some people don't want other people to know that they like you? Is it because they thin other people thin you are only for babies? And I didn't say that just to make you feel bad.”

I'm not saying this to make you feel bad but you should know that it's you people think is a baby and no one likes.
”I am wrighting you about these two special girls and their little brother, they are some grate kids and of corse they get in arguments but who doesn't they love eachother no matter what and i was just seeing if you could wright [blocked] (7yr old) [blocked] (5yr old) and [blocked] (1 ½ yr old) a little letter. [blocked] is losing the santa vibe and i think that it could use a little pick me up for the holidays” [sent in by a caring adult]

All your children are named [blocked]?? I don't think it's the Santa vibe that they're losing. I think what they need is a heavy dose of therapy this holiday season and for you, a full course of English lessons, starting at grade one.
”Dear Santa, I love you. My name is [blocked], and I am 4 years old. Thank you for giving me the snow that I asked you for when I saw you in the mall two weeks ago.”

Dear [blocked], are you related to [blocked] and [blocked]? If so, you should really get in on the therapy. You're welcome for the snow. You might want to ask for a shovel next year as the North Pole is completely overstocked and will be using your house as an outlet for the several million cubic yards of excess overhead.
”Hi Santa, how are you doing at the North Pole? Are the polar bears bothering you? I would like to have a harmonica for Christmas. I think I deserve it because I have been good this year. I have not been hitting my sisters.”

Hi kid, I am fine at the North Pole. The polar bears aren't bothering me but they'll be bothering you if I hear more about hitting your sisters.
”The things I want most for Christmas are a horse (but I don't think my Mom will let me have one), a What's Her Face doll, and lots of funky pillows or a body pillow. I also think you should give extra presents to the kids affected by the terrorist attacks.”

If you want a horse just ask for another Smileymeal™ the next time Dad takes you out for dinner. We have plenty of funky pillows, tho' you are the only one to ask for any. It's fine if you don't want them washed. And actually, there aren't very many kids left that have been affected by the terrorist attacks but have a merry Christmas anyway.
”i don't no if you think i'm too old for Christmas but if im not, i would like a gameboy color game that i dont have. If you dont have any of those, anything yo send will be great. Merry Christmas!!! P.S. I will be at my grandma's house for Christmas.”

If you doubt yourself then yes, you're too old. But I still think you could benefit from a nice thick dictionary and thesaurus. We do have the “Typing Tutor” Gameboy Color game, but you have to be literate to play.
”Sorry to bother you santa but xmas is comeing. I hope for Hotwheels, Hotwheels track and lego”

Imma give you some waffles. Live with it.
”I hope you have a nice christmas and dress warm caouse it is cold outside”

A budding weather girl, I see. Good luck, and dress for excess because those legs won't last forever.
”Do you have an elf named Scribbler Elf? Is it true that you found Reindeer in the forest when you where going North?”

The last “scribbler” elf I had was caught red-handed and spent the rest of that winter cleaning the graffiti off the outhut walls. . . And when you live at the North Pole any direction you go from here is South so no, you must have been mistaken.
”Do boy reindeers lose their antlers? Can I please have anything and lots of styrofoam?”

Sure boy reindeer lose their antlers, every spring when they molt. I'll send you a couple of Donder's old horns, along with anything else the elves scoop up in his pen.
”I'll be at Grandma's at Christmas time so, I won't be in Calgary. Can you please bring the toys to Grandma's house?”

Grandma's house in Calgary, got it!

- E V I L O U T -

Current Mood: smarmy
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