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Evil Jim

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12:00 pm: January 24: Write about leaving
There is a portion of my life, I feel, that is sliding away. Whether it goes on its own or I'm pushing beyond is it uncertain either way, but it's certainly happening & I don't know when or where it began or will end. Things are becoming different again.

I like some things to have a certain predictability about them. Sometimes something simple as a weekly routine or a time of day I know I can meet with friends. Or bigger things like landmarks, buildings, trees; things you don't expect to change frequently, or at all. Being able to come back to a place of fond memories years later & seeing it just as I remember brings a great sense of comfort. Seeing an old building knocked down in a familiar place or others brought up to replace trees & wildlife is especially upsetting.

But then, I still revel in being different & unique. Trying to find new ways to surprise the people that know me well. Keeping things exciting as if to break a routine, but then why do I embrace certain routines at all?

Things have changed within the past year. My job, my relationships with family, friends too. Some people I used to see all the time I hardly hear from any more. Others I see weekly when they used to be nearly nonexistent. Some have just plain disappeared. All changing our social familiarities.

I wouldn't say I'm a creature of habit, but I do admit that certain familiarities bring comfort. But now due to changes I'm uncertain what familiarities I can achieve will be comfortable. I am often lazy & unmotivated, usually waiting for a deadline or sudden inspiration before actually accomplishing anything significant. It's a wonder then why I'm even going along with this Writer's Book of Days. That, however, I believe is largely motivated by guilt (having not written in so long yet still having family & friends view me as a writer) but perpetuated by the fact that I can actually achieve results (!!) because I am in fact, still a writer; albeit one very lazy & unmotivated.

So what is all this going toward? I was going to contemplate whether I was leaving my familiar ways & routines or if it was they that were leaving me & who was actually in control. It's fragmented & jumbled, I don't think I'll edit it much when I'm done. But it's what came to me when I started. It's starting to get depressing tho' & I'm not really depressed so I'll cut it short.

Indeed, my life is at a flat spot right now (by this writing on Feb 11.) I sleep too late because I stay up too late at night. I accomplish nothing during the day more than the bare minimum chores that need to be done. I have no significant extracurricular activities. No great social outlets. I need a direction. Some things to look forward to. Until then it's just going to be pretty flat.

E V I L O U T -

Current Music: Future Sound of London
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