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Evil Jim

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12:00 pm: Janurary 2: Write about a time someone said no.
It was months after she had broken up with me. I was heartbroken & depressed for what felt like years but we were finally speaking again. It felt good to establish a rapport & there was something I had to say. My mind had been churning for months, the way it does in hindsight when I go over all the things I should have done the first time through a situation that would have made everything perfect. It seemed every day of those months I had gone over the events, the mistakes & my motivations & now that I was comfortable speaking to her again I had to tell her. However she felt, I had to tell her to unburdon myself from all these anxieties & feelings I had weighted upon myself since the end of the whole thing.

So I told her. I told her how I felt during the relationship & why I unintentionally backed away when it started to go too fast. Finally I was able to explain my motivations, my words & my actions that I hadn't understood at the time. I told her that I still loved her dearly & knew it would I could do it right if I could only go back to the first time. I was a better person now & more aware. Not perfect, but better.

She told me no. I never even asked. I knew she had chosen a different path than where she was before. One that pretty much forbade us from ever getting back together again. I knew this but still had to tell her how I felt because it gave me a sense of closure. Something the months of misery could not let me have when she had vanished. She told me no, we're not getting back together again but friends yes! Absolutely! It was bittersweet but I accepted it. That still doesn't stop me from dreaming.

- E V I L O U T -

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