April 12th, 2005


Evil takes a holiday

I'm tired. Not so much physically tired as emotionally worn out. I spent the entire day yesterday thinking things I wish I could have avoided but it was no use. When something bad happens my hindsight kicks in at 110% and has to figure out every which way I could have prevented or resolved the situation before it had a chance to get this far. Sometimes it becomes so oppressive I can't stand it. This is why I need distraction. Not simple distractions like toys and games but actual company. When I'm around friends I can talk and interact and feel more or less myself again. It keeps my mind away from the loss because for the time being I'm rooted in the here and now. It's harder to lament the past or dread a bleak and lonely future when I'm with people who care about me and want me to have a good time.

I'm not entirely hopeless, though. I know this period won't last forever and will just take time to fade away. But, like last time, I will always know where I erred and know what I could have had. Distance helped and will help again. Meeting some new friends did too.

I can't help feeling rushed and that I'm running out of time. I think I know why, and every minute that passes is another minute spent having not met my ultimate goal. This is where distractions come in, and the only ones that work these days will (ideally) eventually help me reach that goal.

- J I M O U T -
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