December 9th, 2004


Evil intercepts more letters to Santa

Evil Jim answers more letters from children intended for Santa.

”How have you been doing in your workshop? What is your favorite reindeer's name? Mine's Rudolph. I like Dancer, but Rudolph is my favorite. Where did you get the name Dance.”

The workshop has been busy as ever forging low-quality brand-name products for you and yours. My favorite reindeer's name is Lumpy but he is not in my employ. The name “DanceR” came from a long ago discussion I had with Michael Flatley. Before his career took off he considered being “Lord of the Reindeer.”
”How are you and Mrs. Claus and all of the reindeer doing? You are probably getting a little tired after working so hard for the big night. I hope that you have a safe flight. If it is okay with you, Santa and with your elfs and Mrs. Claus, can I have three things: 1.hit clips N`sync, "Who let the dogs out", Brittney Spears, "I`m not too young and I`m not too old" . 2. Mary - Kate and Ashley "travel in style" action figures. 3. My size princess in the nutcracker barbie and the same dress that she wears,but an extra one for me.”

First off, that's four items (possibly five) you have there, not three. Second, your selfish little list is so absolutely horrendous that you have forced me to notify Correctional Reassignment Activities Personnel to give you some more wholesome interests like evisceration and racism.
”I am writing to tell you that me and my sister will be spending Christmas at my Granny and Papa's house.So don't forget to leave our presents there ok. [blocked] and I have been really good and I am doing alot better with my Math homework.”

Leave presents at my grandparents, got it. Anyway, since you're doing better in math would you help that last little girl figure out how much horrible crap she actually wants?
”I hope you are having a fabulous time. I am! I would love a Nintendogame cube. I would also like a Playstation 2. Is Ruldolph and the other reindeers ready for Christmas night? We have our Christmas tree up and ready for presents. I am excited about Christmas!!! My whole family is excited about it too. I am having a lot of fun. I hope you are too. I have 100 cousins. How many cousins do you have?”

A hundred cousins? Really? I think you probably mean “100 cups of coffee.” Instead of video games you're getting a large hamster wheel so you have something to do with all that extra “excitement” you have there.
”Hi Santa! How are you and your reindeer? I hope you are doing a good job receiving gifts. Can I please have an X -Box for Christmas this year? I think that I"ve been good all year round. I been good because I haven't been doing any bad things. I am emailing this joke for you. What is the bean that can walk and talk? A human being!”

Reindeer are getting nervous. They think you kids are stalking them. Lumpy in particular has developed a rather disturbing tic. Oh, and a human being isn't actually a bean, it is a legume. And just for that, you're getting a case of New Coke. Enjoy.
”Hi Santa, how are you doing in the North Pole office? I would like a hamster, Playstation, and any kind of books. The books have to be girl kind of books because I am a girl. Can I also please have a scooter so I could not be so bored at my grandma's house? I think I deserve that because I will behave by helping other people. I hope that you will bring me my gifts.“

Girl kind of books like Playgirl? I thought you said “any kind of books.” Make up your mind. You're bored at your Grandmother's house? Have you ever tried talking to her? She lived through both the Great Depression and Prohibition. Try asking what she used to do for the money to buy a scooter when she was your age. That should keep you plenty entertained.
”I am getting excited for Christmas. The number one thing I want is X-box and Dead or Alive 3. Could you put elves' hats on the tree so my brother and I can wear them (because we're elves and we give out the presents.) My brother will like anything like pigs, dragons, and knives. What's your favorite kind of cookies? I like butterflies, dragonflies, snakes, and anything Egyptian. I'll save 9 extra cookies for your reindeer, expecially Rudolph. I'll creep out of my bed so I can see you kissing my mom under the mistletoe. (He, he.)“

Elf hats on the tree, pig-dragon knife tattoos, Egyptian cookies and some bugs. I think you'd be better off with some therapy. And listen, that thing with your mom was years ago and we haven't spoken since the blood test turned out negative for me being your father. I'd rather just forget the entire ordeal.
”My mom said I could e'mail you this year, this is our first
year with our computer. My name is [blocked] my nickname is suckyface that's
where I get my e'mail address from, I am 7 years old. I have been a really
good boy this year at home and a school.
I am asking you for a GT racer so a can go fast down the hills like my friends. My brother is [blocked] he is asking for a TV he also has been really good at home and at school. It's snowing and cold outside right now, what is it like at the North Pole?
Mom say's I have said enough now, your cookies and milk will be waiting for you when you get to my house, I also promise I will be in bed early Christmas
Eve, fly safely, have a great trip.“

Hello Suckyface. You're going to get a lot of attention with that name come middle school. You're probably not going to like it either. Anyway, if you haven't guessed it's cold and snowy at the North Pole right now then you should probably watch more National Geographic. Your mom sounds the type to read your email over your shoulder so I probably shouldn't mention what she and her sister used to do with cheese when she was your age. Feel free to ask, tho'. Have fun in your room because you'll be spending a lot of time there.

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Current Mood: sassy

"Goodbye" and other changes

I have just returned home after saying goodbye to matt_william. It was sad yet heartwarming to see him again one last time. We had breakfast at the Sunrise restaurant in town and went over to his place so I could pick up the television I bought from him as well as the Hitchhikers Guide radio programme. He was thoughtful enough to give me an early Christmas gift of David Byrne's Uh Oh and my very own DVD of The Wizard of Speed & Time I gave him a tin of homemade cookies on behalf of Thea and told him of my birthday gift to him of upgrading his Live Journal to a paid account so HE CAN KEEP IT UPDATED. ^_~

I surprised myself by getting choked up just before I left but I really shouldn't be. He's been one of my closest friends for at least 20 years now. In fact, I've known him for so long that I can't remember specifically when we met, just that we were in the same Cub Scout den together. He's been so close for so long that it was difficult to bid him farewell so yeah, I'm a little choked up about it. I saw in the rear view mirror that he stayed outside and watched as I drove away out of sight. I don't know when we'll see each other again.

But this is hopefully for the better. His new job opportunity sounds promising and quite a step up from his previous position as video store jocky. I don't know much about Game Spot but I'm sure I'll learn soon enough. I'm looking forward to hearing how he makes the trip and settles in. Next Friday will be his one year anniversary with Live Journal and I hope to see many more entries. Good luck, Matt! I'll miss you. And happy birthday!

In other news, my posts have been few and far apart. Having a girlfriend will do that.

After being out of touch for a few years we exchanged contact info at a mutual friend's party and have been getting closer ever since. Even tho' we've both grown and matured in that absence she's still Thea and someone I've always been very fond of. I look forward to making her happy.

So anyway, no regular posts for a while unless her current job search lands her on first shift which will pretty much leave us with weekends. Fortunately, she's an anime fan so it won't be hard to persuade her to Club on Saturdays.

What else is new? Last Friday (December 3st) Thea and I went to a birthday party at a Funeral home. I'm serious. Anjean's uncle runs the place which boasts a death-themed 9 hole golf course in the basement. Yes, I'm serious. Apparently he built it as a place for his family to stay and be entertained on their visits since he lives so far away. It's also offered as part of a funeral package and used by other organizations for business or play.

It was far away from me too being more than a two hour drive down to the Chicago area and past Mitsuwa. Mapquest directions worked out well to get there but finding the actual building was a small problem when the addresses went down to zero without including the one we needed. We called Anjean for directions to find that she hadn't even left home yet. At least I didn't have to worry about being late. She wasn't sure how to help us find the place either but a gas station attendant was helpful enough to show the way. We soon found that after the numbers went to zero they went up again and about a block after I turned around the first time there it was. It was six when we entered (the shindig scheduled to start at five) but we were still the first. We waited in the lobby for fifteen minutes, the silence punctuated only by the tocking of an enormous grandfather clock, before deciding to wait downstairs where all the action would be.

Two turns in a downward staircase brought us to a small sitting room through which we passed to the game room. My eyes bugged when I saw the place. The golf course takes up much of the basement and is the featured attraction. Each hole has some morbid feature or obstacle such as a skull you need to jump over to reach the hole, a castle gate with an ever dropping guillotine as its portcullis, a haunted house that will deposit bad shots into a 1-2 stroke penalty graveyard, a big damn coffin and more.

Besides the golf course there was floor shuffleboard, table shuffleboard, bumper pool, ping-pong, pinball and probably more that I didn't get to. While we waited for the rest to arrive we looked around and I checked out the video games. I was overjoyed to find a working arcade stand up of Lunar Lander. The controls were nothing like I expected (having first fallen for the game in a MAME ROM) but I adapted quickly. Were it not for the dimness of the ancient CRT within I may have made further progress before everyone else showed up.

It was good to see Anjean again since we've only met in person a handful of times. The first thing we did was play golf (and I still haven't added our scores yet) and then shuffleboard. There were about ten of us all together and most of which were anime fans. It was a blast and well worth the long drive down and back.

Before we left we gave her our gift: a basket containing candles, hand cream and other scented delights (Thea's contribution) and Rejected (my contribution.) It went over well and I think she'll enjoy the DVD since Steve and I got her interested when I visited them at the orchard in September. I invited her to come up and visit anytime when hopefully I can finally show her the neat stuff around here like House on the Rock and State Street. Or maybe just one of my upcoming 'thons.

Oh, random good news: The Bristol Renaissance fair hasn't been canceled since changing hands. *Whew!*

Wow, I'm running out of material already?

Oh yeah! Went to Mitsuwa on Sunday and drug sacredspud, Tom, Lindsay & Tick, the two latter having never been there before. I encouraged everyone to bring two CDs as our communal music library so we wouldn't be stuck listening to just my stuff. I've done this before and think it works well so I'll be suggesting it again in future.

So for the second time in almost in as many days I was driving the 120 miles back to Illinois on the same roads to almost the same place. A round trip costs nearly an entire tank of fuel but I wouldn't have gone if I was trying to be frugal. I bought lots of groceries (mostly candy) and paid half of what I expected. I also found a lot of useful stuff at the Yuki Discount Store and a bowl and couple teacups at the dish store. I've learned from experience that if you see something you like at the dish store get it then and there because their stock changes frequently (or at least, in between my visits.) The bookstore yielded a lovely handmade greeting card for the SWE and the lastest untranslated volume of Excel Saga. I'm glad I asked about the cards because the ones I was thinking about purchasing were for specific occasions. Specific significantoccasions like funerals and weddings. Mine is intended for neither. All I need is a translation from Shimatta and I can send it off (months late, but at least it's almost ready.)

I would have been crushed to find the the toy store was gone and that area of the mall was utterly vacant had Anjean not warned me ahead of time and directed me to find their new location a block away. That was our last stop and after two rousing rounds of DDR vs Lindsay I browsed to my content and purchased a Hidamari no Tami who wouldn't let me leave without it. Kawai!

I could go on but I believe instead I'll link to sacredspud's observations on the day. For now I must find lunch and attemtp to survive the rest of the day on 3 ½ hours of sleep.

[falls over]

- E V I L O U T -
  • Current Music
    Thick as a Brick ~ Jethro Tull