Evil Jim (evil_jim) wrote,
Evil Jim

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Depressed (sorry, no clever title)

It has become increasingly difficult to write as of late as evidenced by my sporadic posts. The energy may not always be there at night after work when I prefer to write in my journal but even on other nights a creeping depression bids me do little more than read others' journals & my usual list of news articles. Tonite it came crushing down upon me & for the past couple hours I've had an uncomfortable nagging urge to simply curl up & weep. I have resisted simply because it would be more painful to succumb than to find other ways of distracting myself or convincing myself that is not how I really feel. I don't know where to start on this subject but hopefully in my own rambling way I can form some sort of picture & thereby begin a catharsis.

It came crushing down on me this evening as I reached my front door & things went downhill from there. As I reached to open the storm door I found that dripping water from the roof had turned to ice & completely covered the latch, thereby freezing the door shut. I found myself shouting curses at the ice, the door & the stupid contractor that had forgotten one & canceled another appointment to come over & adjust the door & fix the gap that allows so much heat to escape & melt snow from the roof. When I composed myself I tried using sidewalk salt to melt the ice but with that taking too long & carefully chipped away the block with a tin can from my recycle bin. I eventually broke in but as long as it keeps melting & the guy won't come to fix the door it will be a continuing problem. This whole ordeal was more upsetting than it really should have been but it feels like just more evidence that my life is falling apart.

Like the crack in my ceiling. I don't know how it happened or how long it's been there but I noticed it for the first time the other night as I sat comfortably on my couch & put my head back to relax. It may not be serious or even important, but it's a visible sign that something is wrong & something I can't fix with my own two hands & that bothers me.

Through the past few months I've had a growing sense that I have become the odd-man-out among my friends. It's the source of a miserable feeling of rejection that gets renewed again & again. Like I've become an inconvenience because I didn't move to the city like so many others or I've been forgotten because my work hours don't allow free time on weekday evenings any more, or possibly because many of them have known each other so much longer. But I can't help but feel there is something wrong with me that repels others. I'm used to being rebuffed by strangers (especially women) but what is it now that inspires disinterest in those I care most dearly for? It's not something people easily speak about openly with the subject of their discomfort, for it's much easier to quietly agree with others. So I am left alone to wonder. Have I grown too needy? Clingy? To eager to be included? If so it's because there is a personal contact & connection I now feel is faltering or missing with the people dear to me. It's very painful to lose friends this way -- I know because it's happened before -- to just stop talking with no proper reason, & I fear that is happening now.

It's this time of year again. I'm growing to hate this time of year. All the relationships I've had have ended during this time of year. I don't know why it happens like that but it really turns one against a particular season. So this bitter, cold weather & the lonely solitude is another cause for depression & a reminder that the few times I've really, truly been happy & joyful with life have all ended. I've never been the one to end a relationship because once I'm with someone there is no one else I can be with & my love just grows & grows. I've never stopped loving the people I've been with but I've also never been given a second chance by those people. I like to think that if nothing else I've become a better person for the lessons I've learned from those relationships but what good are they when the opportunity never comes to prove them. I ask for help but it does not come. I ask for support but it is ignored. I've been fighting an urge to become more reclusive but I know with certainty that won't help at all. Very rarely do song lyrics ring so true to me as in With a Little Help from my Friends, "Do you need anybody? / I need somebody to love. / Could it be anybody? / I want somebody to love."

I may be seeing Thea for the first time in over a year & that hasn't helped my mood any. She's interested in attending the UW Anime Club again & has been asking for information. That's the way it's been since she broke up with me. I don't hear from her unless she needs something from me. It's a horrible thing to say but looking at our chat history proves it. Anyway, it looks like she wants to meet me here & follow me to the Humanities building in separate cars. I offered to drive but it sounds like that's the way she wants to do it. That alone is depressing. I want to be close again & renew our rapport but I know it will never be the same again. If she loves you, you know. And if she doesn't... well, you know that too. I don't know if I'm really seeking to continue something or just needing a form of closure. After she ended it I foolishly remained in denial for a couple months believing we'd get back together once we had a little time apart & then a good opportunity to get together & talk again. But by the time I realized the effort would have to be made mostly by me it was already too late. What I regret most is the things I didn't tell her.

Ok, this really hasn't helped at all. I'm just going to go play video games until I'm too fatigued to do anything but fall directly into sleep. It's been one of those nights where I need to hug someone, & to hold & be held by them for a couple hours. But I know no one would be comfortable doing so for that long.

- E V I L O U T -

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