Evil Jim (evil_jim) wrote,
Evil Jim
evil_jim

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An appeal for Sanity

Tonight I discovered destroymyvirtualboy.com, a website devoted to garnering donations as votes to decide on what method a kid will use to destroy his Virtual Boy. All procedes will go toward his purchase of a Nintendo Wii (formerly "Revolution".) I wrote him the following letter:
Jack,

As an aficionado & collector of all things Virtual Boy I must say that I am utterly appalled at your intention of raising money to promote the destruction, nay, desecration of a defenseless Nintendo Virtual Boy console. A truly unique game system that has given you countless hours of enjoyment & entertainment in its one-of-a-kind immersive 3-D virtual environment. It brings a tear to my eye to see how carelessly you mistreat it in your videos. The website URL alone makes me choke back a silent cry of pain. All this I must endure and for what? So that you can jump on the consumerism bandwagon & snap up the next shiny thing that Nintendo has to offer. For shame.

The Wii (formerly "Revolution") will be produced in the millions & introduced amidst a whirlwind of promotions. After the initial release it will be readily available to gamers everywhere & its relative ubiquity will cause it only to go down in value as it ages. Did you know the Virtual Boy sold fewer than 800,000 units worldwide? It is like a rare & beautiful butterfly, an endangered species to be treated delicately with love & care & above all, respect. Not some bile-ridden insect to be squashed under your heel on a childhood dare. There is only a limited number presently available & it will never be produced again. If your desire to destroy one is realized than the total world population will be reduced by one. Do you really want its blood on your hands? The blood of the Virtual Boy is much darker than the colour of its housing & the four shades of red in the lenses of its display. And it runs even deeper.

Doubtless I cannot stop you from continuing your mission, but if your desire to raise funds to purchase a dreaded Wii is so great, might I suggest a few alternatives to making enough money:


  1. Get a summer job & earn it the American way. Roll back your sleeves & give it your all. You will reap the rewards of steady pay & if you work at a store like GameStop or Best Buy you'll have an additional discount to put toward your long-awaited purchase.

  2. Offer your services like mowing lawns or trimming trees to neighbors, all for a nominal fee. Telling them it's for school supplies this autumn may even encourage their generosity.

  3. Your father's wallet carelessly left on the nightstand can yield a virtual treasure trove of resources. Just a few weekly trips could potentially cover the cost of a new Wii & enough games to keep you occupied through the end of the year.

  4. The commonly weak & defenseless nature of the average little old lady on the street & her unguarded pocketbook could be a positive boom for your finances. A quick step & a strong arm would be all you need to ensure your gaming future, all without breaking a sweat.

I hope you take the above suggestions into consideration. However, I have already seen that your enthusiasm for this project knows no bounds & that I may as well begin digging a grave for your small red companion. Therefore, I will merely add this: as the fate of your Virtual Boy has already been doomed you will no longer have need of its games or accessories (stand, AC adapter, controller, carry case etc.) As useless as they will be to you, rather than destroy them with the poor console or merely throw them away, could you find it in your heart to give them to me? I promise to give them a happy home in a warm & comfortable environment, free from sledge hammers & heights & corrosive acids. I would treat them as my own & you could still enjoy your new Wii, secure in the knowledge that a part of your dear, departed Virtual Boy still lives on somewhere out there in the gaming world.

Most sincerely yours,

Evil Jim


P.S. Enclosed, please find a photograph of myself & my own beloved Virtual Boy, just moments after discovering your website.


- E V I L O U T -

UPDATE:
My letter has been received & responded to.
Tags: video games
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