?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Evil Jim

Previous Entry Share Next Entry
03:50 am: Mother's day weekend and more
The place suddenly feels so empty, so alone. Suddenly very little interests me and it's a challenge even to write about it. With the snap of fingers I'm getting depressed again. I'll get over it, but I'm not fond of mood swings like this.

It's never been uncommon for me to feel lonely or a sense of loss when company departs, especially when we've had such a good time. But it's much more common these days than it used to be. It's still better than spending all that time alone. I've been visiting with people as much as possible lately and it helps me feel better, more like I used to be. I can forget about what's got me down and indulge in whatever we're doing together. It's more than a distraction; it's a reminder that not all parts of my life are destitute. That I still have fulfilling relationships with people I care about.

I've been leaning on my friends a lot these past nearly three months. It hasn't really been a long time since the breakup but it feels like ages already; felt like it after only two weeks when I thought I could still work things out. I think by now I've been out of it as long as I was in but it had such a profound affect on me that it's still difficult to stop thinking about it. I may have been unsure and nervous up until near the end but I know now that I really and truly was in love, and now I must work past that and get on with my life.

It's not that easy.

Being with friends, people I trust, is like a small dose of medication. Little by little over time will help me feel better and become myself again. Or at least a version of me I can accept. But I've been wondering what would do the equivalent of a large dose and speed recovery. I can't rely on others all the time. People have their own lives and having the same needy friend calling and begging for attention when they have other things they want to do will get tiresome.

There are two ways that would work. One almost definitely and the other is merely postulation based on emotional responses to self-run "what-if" scenarios while daydreaming. The first is obviously if she were somehow to decide that the new path she took after me just wasn't her thing, reconsidered my reasoning and my pleas and decided to renew our relationship. I am still certain that it would be better than ever if only this could happen, but unfortunately it's the most unlikely of the two. The other is simply if I found someone new. A new romance we could share together and enjoy discovering our newfound fondness for each other.

This also, is not that easy.

Logically, it seems like the easiest cure. Meeting and learning about a new and interesting person is exciting and rewarding and makes it easy to forget unpleasantries and focus on a bright and shiny future. But perhaps it's only bio-chemical. After all, endorphin rule in the game of love and I'm as driven to need them as much as anyone else. More to the point: I haven't been in a rebound situation before and I'm not certain how it would work for me if just anyone were to come along and offer to play the role of an emotional counterpart. There would have to be some connection, yes, and I do still have my standards but is now the right time for me to be looking for another, while I'm still in pain from loss and guilt? I don't know. But I do know that I don't want to spend another moment of my life alone and wondering if I'll always be that way. I'm not giving myself reasons to wait around. I will try to identify chances when I see them and not let go until I'm sure hope is gone.

Hope has been driving me nuts too lately but let's not get into that tonite. It's late and I really should try to wrap this catharsis up and go to bed.


Now that I feel a little better after moaning and groaning, those who have skimmed this far can take note of some significant events of a more positive nature that happened this weekend.

After work Friday I met Lindsay in Milton for some bowling with her friends from work, one of which was having her first official birthday party. I arrived later than I expected but apparently so did most of them so I only missed about half a game. Bowling happened, fun was had by all and nobody seemed to object that no one but Lindsay knew me. I do however, feel bad about making Beth uncomfortable, which is probably what happened when she was asked five different times if I was her boyfriend. Maybe is was just because I sat next to her, or that I talked to her more because I could hardly hear anyone else over the music, or possibly that we wear similar eyeglasses. [shrugs] I don't like creeping out people I've just met or that I'm trying to get to know. Everyone else was cool tho', and we stayed until midnite when the lanes closed.

Lindsay and I were still awake so I followed her back to my place where we watched more Red Dwarf and relaxed. We've only four episodes left of series VI and an undetermined period of time before the release of series VII. I need to find something else for us to do quick so the withdrawal doesn't kill her.

After she departed for home I went online and did pretty much nothing until after five am. I dinked around and watched videos on Ifilm.com until after the sun rose. The only productive thing I accomplished was start work on my newest LJ icon, which took 59 photographs and almost an hour to get right. I certainly hope it's worth it because wasting all that other time dinking would have been better spent sleeping.

Saturday I lunched with matt_william and helped test the LAN gaming setup at his dad's shop before heading up with Sarah to see Giant Spider Invasion at the Bill Rebane film festival. There I met sacredspud and fuzzyinthehead and convinced them to sit with us. A splendid time was had by all. You can look up the movie for yourself as I'm fairly tired as you can see.

The fest was hosted by Mike Nelson and Kevin Murphy of MST fame and I had the honor of speaking briefly with Mike and getting his autograph. He was very polite and mild mannered and nearly as tall as me. I wanted to stay and chat but half a dozen other people did too and we hadn't the time before the next show.

I invited Matt and Sarah back to my place where we enjoyed Red Barron Pizza and a couple episodes of series V Red Dwarf. A splendid time was continued by all. Again I stayed up past five. I really need to stop this.

Sunday I treated my parents to dinner at Dos Gringos in town. Friends have been raving about the place and from my first taste of their food I can see why. We met back at my place to watch Operation Double 007 starring Neil Connery, Sean's younger brother. The video was my birthday gift to Mom but it wouldn't work on her computer so we used my PS2. A delightful time was had by all. -- However, on a separate note I don't understand why it's easier for me to get depressed while I'm with my parents than with friends. That just doesn't seem right.

Anyway, after a couple more hours to myself to watch the Star Wars Clone Wars series I called Lindsay and Tick to invite them over again since I'll be unavailable most of this week due to Acen. Instead of the usual you-know-what we watched four episodes of Freaks and Geeks, a series Lindsay is borrowing and must return this week. It's quite good and I'll watch more if they want to this week.

Random stuff:

  • I'm sewing a new patch onto my jacket. Three or four hours tonite and it still isn't on.

  • Still not prepared for Acen, but will begin that tomorrow

  • Need to get that aquarium hood and light for Thea tomorrow too. (sigh)

  • I haven't seen the SWE since the 1st. I hope we can visit again before I'm gone Thursday.

  • Was going to put something else but I'm too tired.



Ugh. Time to go. I feel much better now.

- J I M O U T -

Current Mood: blankcathartic
Current Music: various Castlevania OC Remixes

Comments

[User Picture]
From:nothingbutcards
Date:May 9th, 2005 07:23 am (UTC)
(Link)
I know how it feels. I knew that things weren't changing when I was dealing with her at all, so I removed myself. Even though it's unbearable now, I'm sure that in a few months or a year, I'll be better.
[User Picture]
From:evil_jim
Date:May 9th, 2005 08:58 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I know in a year I'll be better, but it took almost that long for me to recover from my previous relationship and I definitely don't want to go through that hell again. I'm seeking as much help as I can to shorten that as much as possible this time around.

I noticed your new username. Is there a story behind that?
[User Picture]
From:nothingbutcards
Date:May 9th, 2005 09:00 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I was tired of people who were reading my journal. I just couldn't stand it anymore. It was time to drop unwanted baggage.
[User Picture]
From:nothingbutcards
Date:May 9th, 2005 09:19 pm (UTC)
(Link)
On a tangential note... do you know any way I could get rid of a lot of manga and a full set of GTO DVDs very cheap, and before I leave (i.e. before Friday)? I can't get them into storage or the plane, so I'm probably talking $1-2 for mint translated manga, and $75 for GTO (10 DVDs).
[User Picture]
From:evil_jim
Date:May 10th, 2005 09:07 am (UTC)
(Link)
You could always sell them at a used book store that sells manga, like Half Price Books. You may not get what you want for the DVDs but for as cheap as they sell their books you may get that much for the manga.
[User Picture]
From:nothingbutcards
Date:May 11th, 2005 09:21 am (UTC)
(Link)
Blargh. The locations are too far to walk- damn my lack of car. Thanks though.
From:renny1780
Date:May 9th, 2005 02:56 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I too know the pain. My only "advice" is not to jump into anything too quickly. Of course, you've probably heard that a gazillion times and have begun to ignore such suggestions...oh well, I tried.
[User Picture]
From:evil_jim
Date:May 9th, 2005 08:49 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Actually, that's one bit of advice I haven't heard before. I'm not sure I understand why one shouldn't jump in again, but I will keep that in mind... But not only does it seem like the quickest cure to depression, it's still part of my long-term goal to find someone to devote the best of myself to.
From:renny1780
Date:May 10th, 2005 05:31 pm (UTC)
(Link)
From my own experience, jumping right back in leads to bad things. Stupid mistakes that could have been avoided by waiting...

Also, jumping back in right away doesn't give you time to focus on what the real issues are with you and/or the other person. But, those are just random thoughts from someone that shouldn't be giving advice (hence why I didn't go to grad school for clinical psychology).
[User Picture]
From:sacredspud
Date:May 9th, 2005 08:16 pm (UTC)
(Link)
on a separate note I don't understand why it's easier for me to get depressed while I'm with my parents than with friends.

I don't know either, but I do understand exactly what you're talking about. My guess (for me, anyway) is that for some reason it's a reminder that I'm not who or where I used to want to be at this point in my life. Thinking like that is probably the best way to ensure I don't get there anytime soon.

Anyway, who's SWE? I have a couple of guesses and I think one of them is probably right, but I've never asked. Did I miss an important point in one of your early posts?
[User Picture]
From:evil_jim
Date:May 9th, 2005 08:56 pm (UTC)
(Link)
My theory is that I connect with friends on a different level and I'm actually closer to them in a way. When I'm with my parents we talk more about our lives than hobbies or gossip or girls with nice butts, and my life hasn't been that great lately.
Powered by LiveJournal.com