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Evil Jim

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03:10 am: I need a hug
So it's late and I'm here at the computer obsessively clicking "Find a Friend" desperately hoping to find someone that can cheer me up. This has not been a good day.

I've been having some differences with a friend lately which has been weighing heavily on me. When something like this happens and it isn't resolved right away it stays with me. I keep replaying the conversation over and over trying to think of things I could have better said or asked, or trying to think of what the other person would say in response to this and what I would say to that and et cetera. It's hard to control sometimes and can get me really upset if I don't have an adequate distraction. Like today. Like lately, actually, since I've been alone a lot.

This latest incident is very frustrating since I don't feel that I'm at fault and yet I've made someone I care about feel bad even though it was I who got upset first and left when it happened. It's confusing and I've been trying to sort things out. I'm glad we were able to talk about it calmly last night with no one storming out, but I don't feel it's entirely resolved. "Hindsight is 20/20" and I suppose that's what I've been trying to do, but what I need is to develop a talent for saying the right thing the first time rather than figuring it out later. I've wasted more time than I want to figure out rehashing old conversations and trying to think of what I should have said, or will say if the subject ever comes up again. For well over a year after my girlfriend left me I kept going over those tearful conversations during the breakup trying to think of something I could have said or done, something that could have saved us. If I could go back and do it all over again I know how I could have prevented the whole thing (by being suspicious, untrusting and jealous, I suppose) but what good does it do me now? Really it just creates stress, anger and other unpleasantness.

So the greater half of my work hours were spent torturing myself with the past night, then I went further back and got angry again, then sad. Somewhere along the line -- maybe after playing The Legend of Zelda on first break -- it broke and I was more or less myself again, amusing myself with the usual thoughts and trying to keep busy until I could go home. I was tired and sad, but figured I could recover after some Love Line, journaling and a good conversation. Talking to a close friend, by the way, is often the best way to pull me out of self-inflicted misery such as that.

I arrive home and start to settle in and I get a call from an old friend who's in town for the night. Do I want to visit? I knew what this could do to me but I said sure. Would it be ok for another friend to come along? Ok, since I hadn't seen him in a while either and I had some things to give him. But it's so rare that I get to see her that I'd prefer we were alone. I also have some things I want to talk about that won't be possible otherwise.

So anyway, we had a nice visit, watched the first episode of Azumanga Daioh, looked through my Acen photos and talked about old times.The latter was fun but made me sad because those times are all gone now and I haven't been able to replace them in the present. All my friends work or have other schedules so I can't visit every night, all my friends from work have moved on, and worst of all, I have no open arms to go to when I feel this way. And before I get annoyed or concerned messages thinking I'm neglecting people, (I know I have the love and support of my friends, thank you all) to clarify, I'm specifically referring to a girlfriend. I think having had one and now not makes times like these worse.

I'm thankful that it doesn't happen very often but when it does I'm pretty miserable. I need some distractions and something that isn't just a frivolous time-waste like watching anime or playing video games. Reading a good book works well but I have to put it down sometime. Something productive. Something that will show proof of itself. Writing all this crap has helped a bit. I still haven't decided whether to friends-lock it or not. It's rather personal, but it's still me. One of my friends pours all sorts of angst into his journal and never locks it out (to my knowledge) so why should I be more secretive? I don't care. I write in my journal and leave it out on the table until I get back to it. If someone sees it or not, fine. It's just my journal.

It's late. I don't think I'm going to see the SWE tonite since I wasn't available at my usual time. There was a lot of stuff I was going to put into this entry tonight and I think I've gotten most of it. The visitors were unexpected so I didn't expect to be brought down again. I think what helped me up earlier while at work was thinking about what I was going to put here. Now I don't know what to do. I've already checked my mail and all the webpages I frequent. I don't want to go to bed now because I'll just wake up depressed. Waitaminute... That's right, I have an eye appointment in the morning. I have to be up early anyway. Great. Now I have to try to get some sleep or risk having another crappy day. I should pick out a book for tomorrow instead of my Game Boy. I've already decided on The Gods of Pegana, which I've yet to re-record for my audio book. Another project for another day.

- E V I L O U T -

P.S. I'm going to look for "Pocketwatch" before I go to bed tonite. I want to put it on my link at Dead Last.

Current Mood: not quite the sadness as when I started

Current Music: box fan and faint classical music from the living room

Comments

[User Picture]
From:sacredspud
Date:June 22nd, 2004 08:52 am (UTC)
(Link)
[W]hat I need is to develop a talent for saying the right thing the first time rather than figuring it out later.

I understand this sentiment completely. Some people have this talent, I don't. I don't know whether it can be developed or not, but here's hoping.

Jim, I'm very sorry to hear all this, and I hope things get better. If there's anything I can do to help (even if it's just listening), I'm here. Frankly, we're all a little perplexed as to why you're single (and I know how it sounds to have people say that, by the way). You seem to have a good rapport with many of the fine ladies at Anime Club. Don't know if they're single, but this sentence is a very thinly veiled suggestion. A couple of posts ago you mentioned your boss. That's fairly dangerous territory considering the fact that we live in a time when clearing your throat at the wrong time can be construed as sexual harassment. If she's single though, you might consider getting to know her better. If she's interested, she will probably approach you (or make it blatantly obvious that she's willing to be approached). If not, you'll have gotten to know someone better.

And am I the one who "pours all sorts of angst into his journal and never locks it out"? If so, well, every time I post something like that (which is usually), I consider the fact that other people might have no interest in what I'm saying (or for that matter, might just want me to shut up). Angst almost always wins out because it's my journal, and I write it (mostly) for myself. I've always assumed that if other people don't want to read my whining, they won't. I do occasionally set posts at a custom security level which sometimes excludes you. If I do this, it's nothing personal; usually locked posts pertain specifically to the people who can read them. Anyway, uh, I kind of lost my train of thought here, but my point was that cantankerous angst is a self-defense mechanism that I find more pleasurable than outright depression, even if it puts on the path to becoming a crochety old man:
Me: Damn kids! Get offa my property!

Nurse: Calm down, Mr. Gagnon. I'm just here to give you your meds.

Me: Back in my day if somebody sassed back like that, I'd have melted them with my death ray!

Nurse: And have we forgotten that the death ray is what earned you this padded cell in the first place?

Me: I'm cold. Where's my soup?
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