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Evil Jim

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12:00 pm: January 4: "A year after your death, ..." (after Czeslaw Mikosz)
A year after your death you awake; cold, groggy & in pain. Darkness surrounds you to lengths & depths never before fathomed. It is not a mere absence of light but the sudden realization that you will never see light again. Your eyes try to focus into nothingness, but not even the faint, hallucinatory passage of blood flowing through your eyelids is visible anymore... if it ever was.

The cold is unbearable. It has permeated you through to the marrow & frozen you in place. Your body screams in agony of atrophied muscles & stiffened limbs. If only you could stretch. The pain would be excruciating, more likely unbearable, but eventually the freedom of movement in itself would provide a portion of relief to this agony. But you are still. The pain remains, the coldness familiar only from the knowledge of having once known warmth.

Memories have surfaced, slowly, neither by great effort or mere chance. Not as images, for the darkness is ultimate, but as simple knowledge of existing in a state that isn't as you are now. Knowledge that a force that once drew you down toward you feet is now behind you. Knowledge of... not blackness, though the words for this don't seem to exist any more. Nor for anything besides stillness. That seems to be worst of all.

Nothing moves, no vibrations, no sounds. All you know now is utter absence. It's frightening, maddening. A panic awakens in you for you know this is not how things should be. There is a world outside of where you are now. Something more than pain & silence. This is not how it should be.

Suddenly you feel something not noticed before. A greater awareness. You're arms, your legs, they are still with you. You are still a whole being, still capable of animation if only you could rediscover the secret of movement, something that suddenly strikes you as a very real possibility. A goal.

You try to relax. If only you could remain calm you might be able to correlate your thoughts in a productive manner but excitement & nervous tension has taken over, both entirely new sensations that come with a faint, residual memory. That sensation is nearly tangible & your mind seems to vibrate in anticipation. You knew! You knew this once before! A surge of inspiration! A revelation drives you forward, upward. The pain shatters like glass but you don't care because for the first time you can ever remember you are moving to get up! . . . but there is an obstruction. The lid remains fastened, & held in place by an incalculable mass of earth.

- E V I L O U T -

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