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Evil Jim

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04:20 am: Depressed (sorry, no clever title)
It has become increasingly difficult to write as of late as evidenced by my sporadic posts. The energy may not always be there at night after work when I prefer to write in my journal but even on other nights a creeping depression bids me do little more than read others' journals & my usual list of news articles. Tonite it came crushing down upon me & for the past couple hours I've had an uncomfortable nagging urge to simply curl up & weep. I have resisted simply because it would be more painful to succumb than to find other ways of distracting myself or convincing myself that is not how I really feel. I don't know where to start on this subject but hopefully in my own rambling way I can form some sort of picture & thereby begin a catharsis.

It came crushing down on me this evening as I reached my front door & things went downhill from there. As I reached to open the storm door I found that dripping water from the roof had turned to ice & completely covered the latch, thereby freezing the door shut. I found myself shouting curses at the ice, the door & the stupid contractor that had forgotten one & canceled another appointment to come over & adjust the door & fix the gap that allows so much heat to escape & melt snow from the roof. When I composed myself I tried using sidewalk salt to melt the ice but with that taking too long & carefully chipped away the block with a tin can from my recycle bin. I eventually broke in but as long as it keeps melting & the guy won't come to fix the door it will be a continuing problem. This whole ordeal was more upsetting than it really should have been but it feels like just more evidence that my life is falling apart.

Like the crack in my ceiling. I don't know how it happened or how long it's been there but I noticed it for the first time the other night as I sat comfortably on my couch & put my head back to relax. It may not be serious or even important, but it's a visible sign that something is wrong & something I can't fix with my own two hands & that bothers me.

Through the past few months I've had a growing sense that I have become the odd-man-out among my friends. It's the source of a miserable feeling of rejection that gets renewed again & again. Like I've become an inconvenience because I didn't move to the city like so many others or I've been forgotten because my work hours don't allow free time on weekday evenings any more, or possibly because many of them have known each other so much longer. But I can't help but feel there is something wrong with me that repels others. I'm used to being rebuffed by strangers (especially women) but what is it now that inspires disinterest in those I care most dearly for? It's not something people easily speak about openly with the subject of their discomfort, for it's much easier to quietly agree with others. So I am left alone to wonder. Have I grown too needy? Clingy? To eager to be included? If so it's because there is a personal contact & connection I now feel is faltering or missing with the people dear to me. It's very painful to lose friends this way -- I know because it's happened before -- to just stop talking with no proper reason, & I fear that is happening now.

It's this time of year again. I'm growing to hate this time of year. All the relationships I've had have ended during this time of year. I don't know why it happens like that but it really turns one against a particular season. So this bitter, cold weather & the lonely solitude is another cause for depression & a reminder that the few times I've really, truly been happy & joyful with life have all ended. I've never been the one to end a relationship because once I'm with someone there is no one else I can be with & my love just grows & grows. I've never stopped loving the people I've been with but I've also never been given a second chance by those people. I like to think that if nothing else I've become a better person for the lessons I've learned from those relationships but what good are they when the opportunity never comes to prove them. I ask for help but it does not come. I ask for support but it is ignored. I've been fighting an urge to become more reclusive but I know with certainty that won't help at all. Very rarely do song lyrics ring so true to me as in With a Little Help from my Friends, "Do you need anybody? / I need somebody to love. / Could it be anybody? / I want somebody to love."

I may be seeing Thea for the first time in over a year & that hasn't helped my mood any. She's interested in attending the UW Anime Club again & has been asking for information. That's the way it's been since she broke up with me. I don't hear from her unless she needs something from me. It's a horrible thing to say but looking at our chat history proves it. Anyway, it looks like she wants to meet me here & follow me to the Humanities building in separate cars. I offered to drive but it sounds like that's the way she wants to do it. That alone is depressing. I want to be close again & renew our rapport but I know it will never be the same again. If she loves you, you know. And if she doesn't... well, you know that too. I don't know if I'm really seeking to continue something or just needing a form of closure. After she ended it I foolishly remained in denial for a couple months believing we'd get back together once we had a little time apart & then a good opportunity to get together & talk again. But by the time I realized the effort would have to be made mostly by me it was already too late. What I regret most is the things I didn't tell her.

Ok, this really hasn't helped at all. I'm just going to go play video games until I'm too fatigued to do anything but fall directly into sleep. It's been one of those nights where I need to hug someone, & to hold & be held by them for a couple hours. But I know no one would be comfortable doing so for that long.

- E V I L O U T -

Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: Chilled Euphoria collection 1

Comments

From:renny1780
Date:January 31st, 2007 12:29 pm (UTC)
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I know your feelings quite well as I've had them too and have had them for awhile, if not longer. I recently figured out that Lindsay hates me and has deleted me from her friends list (I did a sweep about a week ago and came across that fact - I promptly deleted her from my list as well). I have also discovered that Gemma and I have a mutual dislike of each other, though I'm not entirely sure why as we've only met maybe once or twice (at most). This causes some minor problems because if I were to ever hang out with you all as a group again, she would be there (obviously - as she's friends with everyone) and that would just create more tension/issues. Then again, it's not like people are busting down my door to talk to me, either. Really, I never fit in with you guys to begin with...so I don't know why or how it lasted as long as it did. I've been having that "third wheel" feeling with that group for a long time, long before anything happened...I think I even mentioned it.

But, I do know my reasoning for not talking to you as often as I should...school started again and it's taking up insane amounts of my time. You'll notice that it's approximately 6:30am when I'm writing this...and that's because this is one of only two times I'm in front of my computer during the day (the other being somewhere between 5:30-8:30pm). So, my "excuse" (for want of a better term) is that I'm busy with school, stressed out, and extremely tired. I'm sorry. I suck. At least I know it.
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From:koriandrkitten
Date:January 31st, 2007 03:18 pm (UTC)
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Wait a second. I'm Gemma. I heard you disliked me. Hence my sudden dislike of you. I'm not opposed to meeting you or getting to know you. I'd just heard you thought I was annoying and a few other choice words.
From:renny1780
Date:February 1st, 2007 02:31 am (UTC)
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Wow. See, I heard you said that about me and I was rather confused as I had only just met you. Then again, I have been known to give off the "bitch" vibe to people that don't know me or my situation(s)...and, given the fact that you were relatively new to the group and only 19 the time coupled with the fact that there was a shitton of tension between myself and the majority of that whole group at the time, I did find you rather annoying...or maybe it's because I saw so much of myself in you (as I put it to Tick a few weeks ago). I don't know. I figured I would just avoid situations with you because of our mutual dislike. But, if it's not really an issue then...well...I don't know where I'm going with that.
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From:koriandrkitten
Date:February 1st, 2007 03:17 pm (UTC)
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Well I honestly don't see how being 19 has anything to do with it but oh well. Anyway I'm honestly willing to do whatever. I'm not always around either. But I'm totally willing to see how things actually are upon meeting you again.

Either way don't feel you need to not hang out with friends because of me.
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From:matt_william
Date:January 31st, 2007 01:58 pm (UTC)
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I'm sorry to hear you're feeling that way. I don't find you to be an inconvenience. Yes, living in Stoughton makes it a little trickier to get together from a proximity standpoint. I know I've not been around to get together as much, and I wish there was more I can do.

Sadly things like this seem to happen. I can't explain how or why. I wish I knew. Of course if you need someone to talk to, feel free to give me a holler. I don't know if I can help much, but I'll do what I can.

Matthew
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From:koriandrkitten
Date:January 31st, 2007 03:21 pm (UTC)
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Jim you're always welcome to call me. I remember a time when I gave you a phone card just for that purpose.

The good news is my phone is no longer long distance the bad that the phone calls stopped comming. I feel that a big part of your reluctance to call or hang out with me revolves around Keith. Which I understand really I do.

However he does work all morning and through a good portion of the afternoon so if you're looking for Gemma time minus Keith just call in the early part of the day. Generally between 10am-3pm.

I have this entire week off of work and I'm dying to do something anything really. Tonight being the one night I have plans.
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From:laviorli
Date:January 31st, 2007 06:30 pm (UTC)
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Wow I've never heard of a house door freezing shut, my car doors do that all the time :P

People genuinely get busy, I really don't know what to say to help...please don't laugh at this suggestion but have you ever thought about getting a dog? Pets have been shown time and time again to help with depression, they help you meet people (dog parks, walks and such)and they are someone to come home to. :)
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From:toastmastertom
Date:January 31st, 2007 08:36 pm (UTC)
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Ohhh Jim. I'm sorry. I really am. I really wish I could be there with you right now, but due to my current location and lack of transportation, I can only be with you at heart. I love you Jim, and to be truthful from the heart, I consider you to be my best friend. It may not seem so because we don't spend as much time together, but you really are. I love everything about you, even the parts that most people turn their backs on. I admire you too, for your intelligence, your prudence, and everything that makes you quintessentially Jim.

If I were there right now, I would hug you. I would hold you, if you didn't think it was too odd. I would do anything in my power to make you feel better because you mean sooooooo much to me. And I'm sorry right now because I can't make that happen. From now on though, if you're in a pinch, just call me. I am always here to listen.

*hug*
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From:the_tick27
Date:February 2nd, 2007 04:28 pm (UTC)
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hey im not gameing this sunday if you whant to hang out i do have a "date on sadery in town but its not till later if saderday is beter
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